I've been having really weird mood swing-like emotions/depression periods lately.  I understand myself very little. Even less than usual.  I also get really motivated, then lose it all completely. I really don't know what's going on.

On another note, today was a pretty good day for me.  It sucked productivity-wise, but I got a couple of very nice compliments.  My friend told me that I was graceful, which made me extremely happy.  And a girl, who is an amazing ballerina, in my dance class (amateur school class) told me that I had potential talent.  These honestly just made me so happy today, and I just had to tell somebody (so the internet is it).  I'm really pissed at myself for not getting much work done today as it was just a day where everything you do goes slowly, but really I'm so happy with the compliments that it balances out.

-Rain

And suddenly I no longer had anything to say, no thoughts to sort out.

I settled for half of my project.  I'll tell her I left the other half at home.  It'll cost me some marks, but I can't say that bothers me terribly much.

I cried quite a bit this evening, the kind almost without feeling where you just sit there with water pouring down your face, not sure why your crying but unable to do anything about it, so you just continue on through the tears. And I stuck tape on my cuts cause I didn't want to waste bandages.

-Rain

It's hard to focus when I feel so miserable and empty.  I have a project. That's due tomorrow. That I haven't started on.  Part of me cares and wants to get it done, and part of me says fuck it.  A larger part I think.  Still I'm gonna try.  Just needed to think out loud (on my blog).

I'm plummeting. I haven't felt this bad in a while.

-Rain

I've gotten terribly fat. I had the opportunity to weigh myself the other day and I am now at my highest weight ever. I was doing much better in terms of eating, but now I must be stricter with myself.  119.5 lbs I don't know what to do, this was so upsetting for me, and I thought I was doing okay and healthy-ish.  I just want to not eat, but that's impossible around my parents. I'll settle for eating as little as I can get away with.

I've also cut again. I don't remember when the last time was, but I do know that my scars were pretty faint. I guess I'm really not doing so well at the moment. I'm not even sure if I care.

fei: Thank you. I am glad to see you back as well, sending you positive thoughts.

-Rain

Hello Again

I'm back.

I needed somewhere to express myself and somewhere that I could perhaps fit in, be understood or at least noticed again, and the old blog was tarnished or something, somehow. 

I've been up and down, and all over in the past months that I've been away. I don't know where I am, but I guess I never really have.

-Rain