Fuck you mother. Just because you fucking have a naturally fast metabolism and stick frame does not mean that you get to tell me in your variety of 'creative' ways that I am fat everyday.  I already know that and guess what, it's constantly on my fucking mind anyways.  I don't need your 'helpful' reminders.  You don't actually help anyfuckingways.  You don't let me eat less, or even less sugar/carbs/fat/etc.  You don't let me exercise until I fall down from exhaustion, you continue to supply me with food high in calories, and give me large servings at dinner.  Well guess fucking what, I'll show you.  I bet you like it when I'm fat don't you, it makes you feel even skinnier.  I know it does, that's why you insist on bringing me the larger sizes when we're shopping and telling me not to suck it in, telling me that I should be 'active' and that I shouldn't spend so much money on food. Just wait, someday I'll weigh less than your (I think) 95lbs.

I really am sick of all the mixed messages she sends me about food, no wonder I'm fucked up.  It's one of the few things that makes me really mad.

Honestly I am so fed up with this, I wish I could live without human interaction. Or at least interact with only one or maybe two select people.

-Rain

I haven't posted in a while, but really there's nothing to say.  I have started cutting again and I hate myself for it, but I hate myself anyway, so what's new?  I'm fat, but you knew that already too.  I'm super nervous for my exams, even thought I'm normally not too bad at those subjects.  I did step out of my way to ask a friend what was wrong, which was hard and I hope she realizes that I really do care.  Meh... not sure what else to say so I'll leave it here for now.

-Rain

I haven't cut in almost a month, but I know I can't last much longer.  The thought is always there now, so I know it's only a matter of time before I give in.  I don't even care right now.

On another note, I was thinking about how competitive I am today.  I'm super competitive, but I also don't want to seem like I am.  I want everything to look effortless. I want to be perfect without trying.  I know other competitive people, but all of them don't mind showing it. Interesting, curious to be sure, but really irrelevant.  I do think though, that this has contributed to my current (slightly confused) mindset.

Elizabeth: thank you.

-Rain

fyi (but no one cares so just ignore this)

keeping this for Beth's comment <3

Sorry I haven't posted for a while.  I came on one time and blogger seemed to have deleted all my posts/blogs I was following and so I got really confused. Has this happened to anyone else?  Probably blogger was just moody or something.

Nothing is really new in my life anyways.  I am still having the mood swing things, but I have been pretty passive lately.  I haven't really cut or restricted or purged which is good.

Anyhow, I have nothing to say right now,

-Rain

I don't know why movies, no matter what kind, always make me feel really empty.  Maybe its that every character has at least one person that cares about them and that they can count on.  I don't know, but this a reaction I can count on.  I like watching them thought, because they offer an escape.

I cut again the other day.  And made a bunch of weird tiny nicks all down my thighs.  I thought no one would notice a tiny little line, almost a dot, then I got carried away.  And now my thighs look like a freakish piece of art or something.  So I suppose that means I'll have to wear leggings tomorrow, underneath my pants so I don't have to change for PE. 

I'm eating too much lately too.   I was doing really well with eating healthy food in reasonable amounts, but then somehow I've slipped.  The dumbest thing so far was going out and buying two drinks and pretending one was for my non-existent brother.  And I've just eaten a ton of junk in general.  Ugh, I need to stick to healthy fruits and such again.

I'm also finding it hard to stay in touch with what I need right now in terms of school.  I can feel myself slipping and falling apart, and I'm trying desperately to pull myself together and keep it there just until the middle of June.  It's really not that far away, but I don't know if I'm going to make it without ending up a mess.

-Rain

I've been having really weird mood swing-like emotions/depression periods lately.  I understand myself very little. Even less than usual.  I also get really motivated, then lose it all completely. I really don't know what's going on.

On another note, today was a pretty good day for me.  It sucked productivity-wise, but I got a couple of very nice compliments.  My friend told me that I was graceful, which made me extremely happy.  And a girl, who is an amazing ballerina, in my dance class (amateur school class) told me that I had potential talent.  These honestly just made me so happy today, and I just had to tell somebody (so the internet is it).  I'm really pissed at myself for not getting much work done today as it was just a day where everything you do goes slowly, but really I'm so happy with the compliments that it balances out.

-Rain

And suddenly I no longer had anything to say, no thoughts to sort out.

I settled for half of my project.  I'll tell her I left the other half at home.  It'll cost me some marks, but I can't say that bothers me terribly much.

I cried quite a bit this evening, the kind almost without feeling where you just sit there with water pouring down your face, not sure why your crying but unable to do anything about it, so you just continue on through the tears. And I stuck tape on my cuts cause I didn't want to waste bandages.

-Rain

It's hard to focus when I feel so miserable and empty.  I have a project. That's due tomorrow. That I haven't started on.  Part of me cares and wants to get it done, and part of me says fuck it.  A larger part I think.  Still I'm gonna try.  Just needed to think out loud (on my blog).

I'm plummeting. I haven't felt this bad in a while.

-Rain

I've gotten terribly fat. I had the opportunity to weigh myself the other day and I am now at my highest weight ever. I was doing much better in terms of eating, but now I must be stricter with myself.  119.5 lbs I don't know what to do, this was so upsetting for me, and I thought I was doing okay and healthy-ish.  I just want to not eat, but that's impossible around my parents. I'll settle for eating as little as I can get away with.

I've also cut again. I don't remember when the last time was, but I do know that my scars were pretty faint. I guess I'm really not doing so well at the moment. I'm not even sure if I care.

fei: Thank you. I am glad to see you back as well, sending you positive thoughts.

-Rain

Hello Again

I'm back.

I needed somewhere to express myself and somewhere that I could perhaps fit in, be understood or at least noticed again, and the old blog was tarnished or something, somehow. 

I've been up and down, and all over in the past months that I've been away. I don't know where I am, but I guess I never really have.

-Rain