Fuck you mother. Just because you fucking have a naturally fast metabolism and stick frame does not mean that you get to tell me in your variety of 'creative' ways that I am fat everyday.  I already know that and guess what, it's constantly on my fucking mind anyways.  I don't need your 'helpful' reminders.  You don't actually help anyfuckingways.  You don't let me eat less, or even less sugar/carbs/fat/etc.  You don't let me exercise until I fall down from exhaustion, you continue to supply me with food high in calories, and give me large servings at dinner.  Well guess fucking what, I'll show you.  I bet you like it when I'm fat don't you, it makes you feel even skinnier.  I know it does, that's why you insist on bringing me the larger sizes when we're shopping and telling me not to suck it in, telling me that I should be 'active' and that I shouldn't spend so much money on food. Just wait, someday I'll weigh less than your (I think) 95lbs.

I really am sick of all the mixed messages she sends me about food, no wonder I'm fucked up.  It's one of the few things that makes me really mad.

Honestly I am so fed up with this, I wish I could live without human interaction. Or at least interact with only one or maybe two select people.

-Rain

I haven't posted in a while, but really there's nothing to say.  I have started cutting again and I hate myself for it, but I hate myself anyway, so what's new?  I'm fat, but you knew that already too.  I'm super nervous for my exams, even thought I'm normally not too bad at those subjects.  I did step out of my way to ask a friend what was wrong, which was hard and I hope she realizes that I really do care.  Meh... not sure what else to say so I'll leave it here for now.

-Rain

I haven't cut in almost a month, but I know I can't last much longer.  The thought is always there now, so I know it's only a matter of time before I give in.  I don't even care right now.

On another note, I was thinking about how competitive I am today.  I'm super competitive, but I also don't want to seem like I am.  I want everything to look effortless. I want to be perfect without trying.  I know other competitive people, but all of them don't mind showing it. Interesting, curious to be sure, but really irrelevant.  I do think though, that this has contributed to my current (slightly confused) mindset.

Elizabeth: thank you.

-Rain

fyi (but no one cares so just ignore this)

keeping this for Beth's comment <3

Sorry I haven't posted for a while.  I came on one time and blogger seemed to have deleted all my posts/blogs I was following and so I got really confused. Has this happened to anyone else?  Probably blogger was just moody or something.

Nothing is really new in my life anyways.  I am still having the mood swing things, but I have been pretty passive lately.  I haven't really cut or restricted or purged which is good.

Anyhow, I have nothing to say right now,

-Rain